


forgiveness (can you imagine?)

by belizafryler (embracedself)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Forgiveness, Hamilton References, Heavy Angst, Memory Loss, Multichapter, Musical References, Next to Normal References, Soul-Searching, SpheerCorp BROTP, Suffering, Synthesized Kryptonite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-01-31 00:09:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21436954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embracedself/pseuds/belizafryler
Summary: “There was one single sign that the house was alive with presence. A single light against the darkness of the neighborhood’s dimming sunset. If she didn’t know better, Kara Danvers would have said the house was empty. Unfortunately, she did know better—  the house wasn’t empty at all; rather there was a single, imposing figure in the window.A single shadow that left Kara’s heart beating at twice its normal speed. Granted, Kara could have used her… shall we say, super, vision to see more clearly, but she didn’t think that was fair. She knew it wasn’t fair. She’d lost all rights to peer into the window, to gaze at the beauty of the house … of the person inside of it.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 12
Kudos: 100





	1. (Our House was a Home) Long Ago

There was one single sign that the house was alive with presence. A single light against the darkness of the neighborhood’s dimming sunset. If she didn’t know better, Kara Danvers would have said the house was empty. Unfortunately, she did know better— the house wasn’t empty at all; rather there was a single, imposing figure in the window.

A single shadow that left Kara’s heart beating at twice its normal speed. Granted, Kara could have used her… shall we say, super, vision to see more clearly, but she didn’t think that was fair. She knew it wasn’t fair. She’d lost all rights to peer into the window, to gaze at the beauty of the house … of the person inside of it.

The shadow moved from the window. Kara’s heart plummeted into her stomach, knowing that she’d been caught out at staring whence she had no right. She crossed the street with trepidation, her heart still hammering there inside her chest. For a split second, as the door creaked open, Kara would swear it stopped beating altogether.

Kara waited a beat, soaking in every little detail of Lena’s appearance. She could never take that sight for granted again; she vowed against doing so. Lena’s dark hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun. The usually impeccable CEO was now wearing sweatpants, and a loose fitting shirt that Kara could have sworn used to be hers. Kara noticed with sorrow that there were stains on the shirt that only tears could have caused. In a few words, she looked like a proper mess.

“Hey.” Kara croaked out. Immediately closing her mouth, clearing her throat, and trying again. “I’m sorry I’m here again. It’s just— after the latest… stuff, I'm worried. And you still haven’t been answering my texts, so I just— I had to be sure you were okay.”

Lena curtly nodded. “I’m okay as I can be. Considering.” She cocked her head to one side, taking Kara in. “You cut your hair.” she commented, and was that surprise in her voice? Kara couldn’t tell.

“I did. Bangs and all. Do you hate it?” Kara reached up, tugging at her own bangs awkwardly.

“It suits you.” Lena shook her head, shifting on the porch and adjusting the sweatshirt’s hem. Kara momentarily wondered if this was as awkward for Lena as it was for her, but then Lena was leaning in and Kara’s brain short circuited altogether— 

—Only to grab a fly from midair as it buzzed around Kara’s ear. Kara blushed a deep crimson, looking down. “Thanks,” she muttered in reply to the compliment. This was easily the most awkward and stinted that Kara and Lena had ever been. Kara hated it. But then again, it was her own fault.

Kara hated herself for that, too. If only she’d been honest from the beginning. If only— Kara cut herself off from that train of thought as Lena began to speak.

“Look, it’s late.. Maybe you should head back to National City. I’m sure Supergirl will be needed tonight as much as every other.” she said, a bitter tone to her voice.

Kara’s face fell. “You’re probably right,” she kicked a rock on the ground in frustration. “But I can’t help but want to forget her for a few days.”

“Superhero problems?” Lena wryly glanced at Kara, who only wondered what was going on inside Lena’s mind.

“It’s the other life that has a hole in it. Or maybe I shouldn’t say it quite like that,” Kara amended quickly. “My life has this huge… Lena shaped hole. I don’t like it. And I know I deserve it, but— I’m gonna go ahead and say this. Okay?” She hesitated, looking at Lena earnestly.

Lena gave a slight nod, as if too entranced by her words to speak. Kara knew that was wishful thinking. Perhaps it was more apt to say that Lena was too annoyed to voice her opinion on what Kara thought.

“Give me the weekend. Let me stay here, with you. Let us recover what I broke… I know there’s no replacing what I broke— Things will _never_ be the same as they could have been. But a life with you is what I want. I love you so much, Lee.” She broke off with wide eyes as she realised what she’d said. “—But I can’t handle this space much longer.” She finished lamely.

Lena fiddled with the hem of her shirt. Kara peered downwards, trying not to seem too much like a kicked puppy. “You can have the weekend.” Lena murmured at last.

Kara’s entire face lit up. Like a freaking Christmas tree. “I’ll get my things, and I’ll be right back, I promise. You won’t even know I’m gone!” Kara vowed.

Lena nodded again. Kara noticed she hadn’t acknowledged the declaration of love, but she also figured that this was good enough. This was more than enough. If Lena was going to let her back into her life at all… well, Kara wouldn’t complain.

“I know I don’t deserve you Lena, but hear me out. We’ll fix this.” Kara whispered, and then she was off into the wind, grabbing her things from her apartment before scribing a quick text to Alex to update her. With a deep breath exhaled, Kara flew back to the Luthor mansion.

“I’m back!” Kara was carrying the duffel bag on one side, holding her phone in the other, and standing at a respectful distance from the Luthor, who was in basically the same position that Kara had left her in.

“Hey.” Kara was graced with a small smile from the raven haired woman. Kara could have sworn the entire street filled with its lights had shone a little brighter.

“Well howdy.” Kara greeted, waving slightly with a goofy grin. She’d do anything to keep that smile on Lena’s face, and from the looks of it, she wasn’t doing too shabby a job. She smiled softly to herself at the thought.

“Why don’t you come in? You must be cold.” Lena suggested. “Or tired. From all the…. You know, up, up, and awaying.” she did an exaggerated little twitch of her wrist.

“Not cold, or tired really. I could fly from here and there twenty times or so before I got tired.” Kara confessed. “Some nights it feels like I have done.”

Lena grimaced slightly, nodding mutely. She clasped her hands together in front of her, awkwardly standing for a second and then opening the door to the Luthor mansion. “I’ll show you to one of the guest rooms anyway?” It was phrased like a question.

It still made Kara smile, nodding immediately and enthusiastically. “Of course. Thanks.” She murmured, adjusting the duffle bag on her shoulder before she moved through the door, passing Lena and managing to catch a wisp of her perfume as she did.

Kara could have cried. She hadn’t had the sensation of ‘coming home’ sense she’d last seen Alura, but here and now? With Lena’s perfume and a small smile on the woman’s face — a smile for _ her_? Rao… It was intoxicatingly like home. Like hope. Kara couldn’t stop the grin on her face if she’d tried to.

“This place is… wow.” Kara commented, looking around in slight awe as she noticed all the dark shades of grey and even dark purple, lush blacks and metallic silvers. She’d barely seen the front hall, and already was impressed. 

“Yeah, it’s a bit much. Now you see why I turned out why I did.” Was that actual Lena humour? Kara would have wept for joy if she hadn’t been glancing over her shoulder to grin at the Luthor in question.

“Alright, well, here’s the guest room.” Lena murmured, startling Kara when she reached out to touch the blonde’s hand.

“I’ll see you in the morning?” Kara whispered.

“Yeah. And Kara?” Lena asked softly. The spell was intoxicating. Lena had her hook, line, and sinker.

“Yes?” Kara blinked, looking down at the way Lena’s hand was still at Kara’s wrist. She smiled softly, struggling to stand perfectly still so as not to spook the Luthor.

“Thanks for coming after me.” Lena whispered.

“Always.”


	2. A Damage You Can Never Undo (Kinda Stupid)

When Kara awoke the next morning, she felt slightly disoriented. The combination of not remembering where she was and being cocooned under three different blankets was not a good mix.

Her dream returned to her first.

_ “Get out.” Lena snarled. “I’ve told you again and again, I don’t want you here. Why do you keep coming to get burned again? Must I bring out the kryptonite to keep myself away from scum like you?”_

_“Lena, please— you have to listen to me.” Kara tried to interrupt her._

_“I don’t have to do anything for you. We’re not friends. You are ** nothing ** to me!” Lena shouted. “Now, do I have to call security?” She asked pointedly._

_“I’ll leave. But Lena—“ Kara tried again, backing up as she spoke._

_“But nothing. You lied to the wrong person.”  
_

Kara hadn’t realised she was sobbing until she felt the warmth of someone’s arms around her. She leaned in to them, believing it to be Alex, until she heard the soothing sounds of a light Irish accent.

She jumped. It was _Lena_.

“I-I’m sorry.” she choked out. “I’m so sorry.” Kara couldn’t stop repeating the words over and over again.

“I know. I know, darling.” Lena murmured. Somehow, that helped. Lena wasn’t absolving her of her sins, but acknowledging them instead. Kara didn’t want to be absolved— not yet. She had to earn that.

“Do you want to tell me about the dream? It might help.” Lena offered, rubbing Kara’s back.

“I… I don’t know that it would help exactly,” Kara confessed uncertainly, but plowed forward nonetheless. “It was us, actually.” she murmured, tearing up again at the thought. “Except you weren’t… you weren’t you. You kept going on about how you’d use Kryptonite against me if I didn’t leave you be.”

Lena went paler than she typically was, making Kara wince, wishing that she’d never spoken the words. “I know it wasn’t really _ you _ but… It just really hurt. I’m glad that the Kryptonite is all gone, nonetheless.” Kara bitterly muttered.

That made Lena wince, and Kara widened her eyes at the woman. “I’m sorry,” she murmured again. “I know it wasn’t you. I should have just left it at that.” She couldn’t do anything right when it came to Lena, it seemed.

Lena looked down, but didn’t comment on that. Instead, she murmured, “I’m gonna go get started on breakfast if you’re okay now. Alright?”

Kara wondered what she’d done this time, nonetheless nodding her agreement. “I’ll just get ready for the day, and then meet you in the kitchen.” Kara softly said. “Thanks for coming.” She echoed Lena’s words from last night.

Lena smiled faintly. “Always.” It made Kara smile, enough that she felt like actually getting out of bed once Lena left the room. She quickly showered, changing into an outfit she’d brought with her.

Once she was wearing the sunflower dress, and her makeup was done, Kara made her way into the kitchen. “Is there anything I can do to help for breakfast?” She offered, sitting on one of the barstools with a flash of her pearly white teeth in a brief smile of greeting.

“No, I’m almost done. Did you find everything alright in the bathroom? Been awhile since the guest room was used.” Lena responded.

“Yeah, everything’s great. Thanks.” Kara gave her another, brilliant smile, and looked around the kitchen curiously. It was modern as all get out; with white marble flooring and exposed brick on the wall behind the oven, counters, and fridge. Kara rather liked it.

Lena hummed, then turned around without a word, handing a plate to Kara. It was not empty by any means, however. It seemed that whilst Kara had been showering, Lena had gotten busy with cooking.

“I remembered your appetite.” Lena said in amusement. “Is it because of the— alien thing?” she asked haltingly, as if unsure whether or not Kara would answer her question. Kara would just have to ensure that Lena knew she could ask anything now, and receive nothing but the truth in return.

“Yeah. My metabolism is a lot faster because of — the alien thing.” Kara flashed Lena a teasing grin. “You can say it, you know. The K word. Unless you don’t want to!” she added hurriedly.

“I forget.” Lena muttered. “It’s been a long time since I was allowed that word, you know?” She said the words quietly, solemnly.

Reminding Kara that her brother was not exactly the greatest advocate for alien amnesty.

But now he was dead. Lena had— Yeah. He wouldn’t be a problem anymore.

Clearing her throat, she smiled thinly. “Well you can say whatever you want about Kryptonians now.” Kara murmured. “This looks all amazing. I’m in awe that you made it so quickly, too.” she complimented, looking down at the food.

“Thanks. It’s easy to cook if you get the hang of it down,” Lena shrugged, placing another plate to the left of Kara. She moved to sit there, and Kara’s heartbeat sped up as she watched Lena eat with relish.

“You seem hungrier than I am.” Kara teased.

“Haven’t been eating much lately.” Lena responded through a mouthful. Kara’s face fell. “I just forget.” Lena tried to reassure her, but that didn’t help very much.

“Well you should remember better,” Kara scolded lightly. “I want you to take care of yourself…” She hesitantly spoke the words.

“I’ll try.” Lena promised. For the rest of the meal, they made small talk— keeping it relatively light.

Once they were done eating, Kara quickly took both dishes and began to wash them. “It’s the least I can do after the breakfast you made.” She waved away Lena’s protesting.

Lena crossed her legs over one another on the bar stool, sitting primly as she waited for Kara to be done. “I need to tell you something,” Lena confessed. When Kara turned around, there was an unreadable expression on Lena’s face. Kara’s heart skipped several beats.

“You uh, you talked about Kryptonite earlier?” Lena hesitated again. Kara’s heart plummeted to her stomach, but she nodded woodenly. 

“Yeah, so what? It’s all gone and you would have never done that to me.” Kara tried to place every ounce of the confidence she had in Lena in the statement, but that apparently wasn’t enough to take away the truth.

“I’ve discovered how to make synthesized Kryptonite.” Lena blurted out.

For a long, tense minute, Kara didn’t speak at all. “Why?” She finally asked, feeling like she wasn’t the one speaking. Like she wasn’t in her body at all.

“Because I was hurt.” Lena had the decency to look down, like she was ashamed. Well, good. She should be. Kara was unsure if she’d ever felt the betrayal that she felt now.

“And you— you had the nerve to be upset with me?” Kara gasped out, tears blurring her vision. She pushed back against the counter, meaning to get up and leave.

“I know, I was so stupid! But Kara—“ Lena’s cut off as, instead of managing to stand and leave, Kara collapses onto the floor.

“Kara!”

A single second passes before Lena whipped her phone from her front pocket, fishing it out quickly and calling for “A. Danvers.”

“Lena?” A groggy voice answered the phone moments later. It’s long enough that Lena had already reached Kara, placing the blonde’s head in Lena’s lap quickly, trying to keep her elevated.

She wasn’t sure if that was the correct response, but that didn’t matter now. “Alex, there’s a problem with Kara. You need to come to the Luthor Mansion, like two minutes ago.” Lena sobbed out. “I was fighting with her, and then she fell and— Now she’s not moving.”

“I’ll be there in half an hour.” Alex hung up the phone before Lena could say anything else, but there was nothing else to be said. Lena knew she’d majorly messed up, but she didn’t know how to fix it.

She just had to hope Kara woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S GETTING SPICY IN HERE


	3. (What a Fool) To Think She Might Love Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry not sorry

Lena didn’t know what it meant that Kara was still down.

“Alright, what the hell happened here?” Alex stormed into the kitchen, a first aid kit that must have been DEO ordained tucked under her side. It was decked out with way too many bits and bobs to be an average one.

“I told her something, she was so— so mad. And then she was moving to leave, and she slipped.” Lena surmised in a choked voice.

“You kept her elevated?” Alex checked.

“Yeah, it was the only thing I could think of to do.” Lena confessed.

“You did alright, kid.” Alex promised. “We just have to wait now— Ah, here she comes.” Kara let out a long, deep moan. “Easy, sis. You hit your head.” Alex murmured to Kara. “Lena called me. How are you feeling?”

“Like when J’onn used to train with us.” Kara muttered. Lena covered her mouth with relief. Kara would be okay.

But the next words out of Kara’s mouth sent her into a downward spiral, really quickly. “Who’s Lena?”

“I-I am. I’m Lena.” Lena murmured hesitantly.

Kara looked up from Lena’s lap straight at the woman in question, with no recognition in her eyes.

“Alright, let’s get you up. Easy.” Alex quickly interrupted. Lena was thankful— she wasn’t sure she would be able to explain who she was to Kara at the moment. Nor was she sure that she had the right anymore.

“Lee, we’re gonna go. I want to get Kara checked up on in the DEO. Okay? You’ll be okay here by yourself, right?” Alex asked gently as she helped the blonde up to her feet.

“I’ll be fine. But before you go, I need you to take something from me.” Lena told Alex. “With no questions asked, please. Kara already— knew.” Lena brokenly finished.

“Sure.” Alex wouldn’t be that cheerful once she knew what was in the locked safe, but it was whatever now. Lena wasn’t planning to return to National City now.

Her best friend didn’t remember her.

The love of her life didn’t remember her.

And they had never even discussed that. The “love” part of their relationship. Lena wasn’t sure which hurt the most.

Lena woodenly went to get the synthesized kryptonite, unlocking the code with shaking hands. “Here. Take it and keep it safe.” She practically shoved it into Alex’s hands. “Keep _ her _ safe.”

“I will. You take care, Lena.” Alex gave her a nod, taking the briefcase and ushering Kara out the door.

At any other time, Lena would have called Eve to schedule a plane to get the hell out of town. But Eve was in jail now— a traitor, just like Lex. God, just like her. She was also a traitor. Lena couldn’t stand that— for all that she’d tried to do better, she’d turned into just another one of the Luthors.

Instead, she called Jess, her old assistant.

“Jess? Hey. It’s Lena— Yeah. Lena Luthor? Can you help me get out of town for an indefinite amount of time? I would do it myself, but I’m not sure how to get a hold of my pilot.” She was helpless. Lena hated that, too. Right now, she hated a lot of things.

_“Of course, Ms Luthor. Right away.”_ Jess was honestly a blessing. She should have never left L-Corp. Things would have never gotten as murder-y then. Lena let out a humourless chuckle. _“Where do you want to be taken to?”_ Jess asked.

“Anywhere. Just— make it unrecognisable. I don’t want people to think I’d go there.” Lena added. “I have to disappear.”

_“Are you alright, Miss Luthor? In some kind of trouble?”_ Jess asked, genuine concern in her voice.

Lena paced. Unsure how to answer, she bit her lip. “I don’t know yet.” She answered frankly. “I just know I have to get out of National City. Email me the plane ticket, please.” She hung up. She only felt a little bad, after all they hadn’t talked long. But it was better this way.

Lena went to pack a bag, eventually getting frustrated enough to just throw everything she could fit into a bag and lugging it down the staircase.

She checked her email via her phone, seeing the plane ticket. She smiled, not recognising the name of the city she’d be staying in. Jess was, without a doubt, the best secretary she’d ever had.

Lena got the bag in her car just in time for a sound on her phone to go off. It was the _Back in Black_ ringtone that signified it was A. Danvers calling her. Making a face, Lena pushed “reject” on the call before she got in the car.__

_ _She had a plane to catch._ _

_ _Kara had wanted an idealised version of Lena, one where she was good. Lena knew now that she was not. Someone “good,” or someone even just a little bit worthy of Kara’s attention, would have never made that damned Kryptonite._ _

_ _Would have never ignored her for months._ _

_ _Lena had done both of those things. Both of those terrible, awful things. Unforgivable. She was just like all of the other Luthors… and now she knew it, too. The phone kept ringing, but Lena didn’t look at it. She just drove, maxing the speed limit as she sped towards the airport._ _

_ _Once she reached the airport, Lena finally turned to look at her phone. Sixteen missed calls. All from Alex, of course. Though one was from Kara’s phone number— a sly trick, Lena had to admit she would have been tempted if she didn’t know that right now, Kara was an amnesiac._ _

_ _Lena lugged the suitcase to the front gate, and made her way to the baggage claim. Once her suitcase was paid for (seeing as it more than exceeded weight limit) she set about waiting for the plane in the waiting area._ _

_ _“Excuse me,” A voice interrupted her from delving too deep into her self-hatred. “Are you Lena Luthor? It’s such an honour to meet you!”_ _

_ _“Yes, I am. It’s lovely to meet you—?” Lena responded, sticking her hand out and shaking hands with the man out of pure instinct._ _

_ _“Jack Spheer It really is an honour, Miss Luthor.” Lena chuckled dryly, watching as Jack sat across from her._ _

_ _“Are you travelling for business or pleasure?” Lena asked politely. _Just a few more minutes of small talk,_ Lena reasoned. The flight was scheduled for take off in half an hour. She could do this._ _

_ _“Both!” Jack enthused. “I’m doing a TEDtalk in a few months about a school I’ve been investing in, so I thought I’d go and visit the school— make sure everything is up to par.” he explained._ _

_ _“Wow, a TEDtalk. That’s impressive.” Lena had been asked to do one, at least four times this year. But she steadfastly refused to be on camera that long. “Where is the school located? Or is it top secret?” Lena let a forced smile dance across her lips._ _

_ _When Jack named the very town that she would be staying in, Lena blinked in surprise. “Wow, what a coincidence. Maybe I’ll get to see this school of yours.” She told him._ _

_ _“I would be so glad to show it to you! Provided it’s up to par,” Jack joked. Lena felt herself relax back into the uncomfortable seat, chuckling at his joke._ _

_ _Her phone rang again, but again she ignored it. She couldn’t talk to Alex— not now._ _

_ _“If you don’t mind,” Lena asked him, “I’m looking to buy some pens and a notebook. Do you have any idea where I could find that?”_ _

_ _“Oh sure, one sec.” Jack checked that all his stuff was there quickly before he stood, pointing out the souvenir shop to Lena. “Right over there.”_ _

_ _“Thanks,” Lena gave him another smile. Luckily she just had her phone with her, the bag being with security. Once the items were paid for, Lena sat down and began to scratch out Kara’s name. It was time to sort out her mind._ _


	4. Interlude (Part One)

“My dearest Kara,” the letter began.

“I’m writing this to you because I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again. If I’ll ever let myself do that to you… I just don’t know at this point. I did some unforgivable things, and so did you. We broke our friendship mutually, but we were trying to fix it just the same.

I wanted to fix it so badly. But just when it could have worked, you found out my secret. I’m not gonna write it here, but suffice to say that you probably hate me for it. That’s okay. I still love you. Does that happen often? Love and hate at the same time. I wonder.

Anyway, I’m leaving National City. I have to, after everything that happened just today. I can’t believe it’s only been a day since everything…. Well, got shot to hell would be an understatement.

The scars, they’ll stay with me forever. You won’t remember them, but I always will— and I’ll never forgive myself, for you. I did the unforgivable and you don’t even remember it.

I remember the first time you came into my office, with your cousin. You weren’t a reporter then, but I think…. Well, you’ve told me before that I’m the one who encouraged that passion of yours. And the world is a better place because of your news.

I think you’re incredible, Kara. I remember everything about our friendship… the good and the bad. When I would stay up too late at work, and you’d drag me out by my arm promising chocolates if I ‘behaved’.

You didn’t ever take my bullshit to heart, something I am forever grateful for. But I pushed you too far, and I think that’s something I’ll never forget— even if you never remember. I remember the anger on your face, the outright _fear_. I’ll never forgive myself for that alone.

I gotta go now, but I’ll write to you again soon. Maybe one day I’ll even send these letters. Until then, I’ll ever remain,

Yours,  
Lena


	5. (The Scars) They Will Stay There

Lena Luthor had never felt more uncomfortably hot in her life. The town that she and Jack were staying had no air conditioning in its one hotel. In hindsight, Lena should have expected something akin to that when Jack had brought up the fact that he’d funded the town’s school. Alas, what’s done was done.

Lena had gotten to know Jack Spheer quite well in the time they’d flown. She now knew he was a single man, looking for love, and an educated man at that. He was on her level. Lena liked that, but she wasn’t looking for love at that minute. She had a love— look how that turned out. Luthors didn’t deserve love.

Lena finally dared to look at her texts after she’d settled in for the night.

[A. Danvers → Lena Luthor] Is it funny to you? This isn’t funny to me..  
[A. Danvers → Lena Luthor] Should I assume this is why Kara can’t remember shit?  
[A. Danvers → Lena Luthor] I see you reading my messages, coward!

Lena went to bed crying that night, not bothering to try and respond to Alex. There was nothing she could say in her defense. Lena knew as well as Alex did, there was nothing for a Luthor and a Super to bond over.

Not anymore.

Lena woke the next morning, her face still red and puffy from all the tears she had shed in the night.

She washed her face clean as she could in the dingy bathroom, forcing herself to hum a tune as she got dressed in sensible clothes and pulled her hair up in a ponytail.

There was work to be done around the town, hopefully, and she had a penance to pay. She’d never manage to make up to Kara herself for what had happened, but that … that would be put in a box. Never to be opened.

Sure enough, Lena found Jack cleaning up in what she assumed would be the school.

“Mr. Spheer,” Lena greeted him amicably. “Need a hand?” she offered, leaning on the baseboard of the door.

“That would be great.” Jack admitted, tossing over a wet cloth to her. “Please, call me Jack.” he added.

“Alright. Call me Lena. Where should I start?” Lena asked, looking around the room. It was a medium sized room, with a smoothed wood floorboard and pale blue painted walls. Looked nice enough, Lena supposed, for a school.

“If you could wipe off the whiteboard, that could be done easily.” Jack suggested.

Lena nodded, giving him as warm a smile as she could manage, given the circumstances. “That’s easily done.” She repeated in agreement. The raven haired woman went to the whiteboard, wiping it down with swift, precise movements.

Once that was done, she asked eagerly, “Now what?” Turning to see that Jack was lost in thought, Lena made her way to his side. “Is everything ok, Jack?” She asked in an even softer tone.

To her utter horror, Jack looked like he was about to cry at her question. Slowly, he took deep breaths before he managed to utter a response, “I didn’t tell you the whole truth about my bachelorhood.”

Lena blinked. “That’s understandable. I haven’t told you _ my _ life’s story.” she reasoned, trying to ease some of his emotions.

“Do you mind if I just— Let it out?” Jack asked, sitting on the edge of the desk.

“Go for it.” Lena only wished it would come as easily out for her as it seemed to for Jack.

“I had a wife.” The word ‘had’ hung in the air. “She— car accident.” Jack choked on the words, nearly sobbing as he continued. “The other driver was drunk. She was three months pregnant at the time.”

“Oh Jack …” Lena was moved by his words. She found herself actually moving— to wrap her arms around the man. “I’m so sorry. That should have never happened.” She rubbed soothing circles over his back.

Jack cried for two or three minutes, then regained his composure with a struggle. “Thank you.” He roughly said, shuddering. “Thank you, Lena.”

“Think nothing of it, friend.” This time, Lena didn’t want to barf when she called the man her friend. There was nothing in their relationship except friendship— a fact she was sure of now; and she liked that. She could use more friends.

_New friends_, she silently corrected herself, sighing. She knew she’d lost Alex and the others the moment that Kara and she had fallen out.. But now? The kryptonite? Kara’s memory, gone? It was forever. There wasn’t a way to go back from that.

Clearing her throat, she turned to Jack. “Well, what else can we do here? The school room is looking rather spiffy now.” She remarked.

“You’re absolutely right it is.” Jack gave her a bright smile, warmth in his eyes. “What do you say we have our first makeshift lesson? We could both teach, if you like.” he offered.

“Oh, I don’t know… I wouldn’t want to steal your spotlight.” Lena teased. Though truth be told, she would be rather nervous if she were to teach. There was a reason she was a CEO, not a teacher.

“Come on. Gather the kids with me. We’ve got this. It’s just gonna be a few lessons in spelling.” Jack encouraged her. “You can spell, right?” he stopped in his tracks, turning around to grin at her.

“Of course I can! Alright, Spheer. Game on.” A determined look on her face, Lena went to help gather the children of the town.

Lena and Jack herded the children into the school room, and Lena felt trepidation as Jack introduced her and himself. It was so much easier when it was a bunch of old businessmen she didn’t give a damn about. Children on the other hand, she liked children, which made it infinitely harder. “Alright Lena.” She determinedly spoke to herself. “Game face: On.”

And she began to teach children how to spell.


	6. Three Days Later (I've Been Approached)

It had been three days since Lena had taught with Jack, and she’d done it everyday since as well. The children were learning quickly, and some of them even seemed to like her more than Jack— something she constantly teased Jack about.

Lena was definitely enjoying her stay in this small town, although the air conditioner had never gotten fixed. Although Kara was still out there, not knowing her. Although Alex was still out there, hating her.

Despite all the odds, Lena was beginning to learn how to be happy.

Lena was walking to the town’s small library (seriously, it was only about 25 books) when she was approached by a man and woman she knew as sort of the leaders of this town: Mr. and Mrs. Allen.

“Hello,” Lena greeted meekly, knowing the key to dealing with strangers in high power was to be polite.

“Lena, hello. Not at the school today, I see.” Mrs. Allen commented with a grin. “Well, we’re glad to catch you without all the kids surrounding you.” she put in.

“Yes, they all seem to love you.” Mr. Allen interjected an agreement, chuckling. “That will serve you well for when you have some of your own, don’t you think?” He asked with a hearty laugh.

Lena chuckled nervously. “Indeed,” she agreed. “Though I think children are pretty far off my radar right now.” she told them honestly.

“Why don’t you come with us, Lena? We’d like to talk to you about something, and we’ll feed you some lunch.” Mrs. Allen suggested. “You are far too skinny.”

Lena laughed. “Alright, if you insist. But I have to go back into the town before sundown, so I don’t stumble and fall into the hotel.” She told them.

“I’ll escort you back myself.” Mr. Allen assured her gallantly. She smiled.

“How is Barry doing? He’s what, twenty two soon?” Lena asked, walking with them towards their house.

“He is doing well, making a name for himself as a doctor.” Mrs. Allen said, pride evident in her voice. “He’s part of what we wanted to talk about with you.” She added.

“Oh?” As they turned the corner into their home, Lena felt a flash of longing for Kara. She wasn’t sure where that had come from— Lena had managed to box her up quite nicely.

“Yes, you see…. He’s taken a liking to you, and as you know, marriages here are all arranged.” Mrs. Allen explained. “We were wondering if you’d be agreeable to such a thing.” She set about bustling in the kitchen to prepare the finishing touches on lunch.

Lena blanched, and was grateful there was nothing in her hands for her to drop. “Marry Barry? But—“

“Oh, it would be the most beautiful affair. You two would be the next leaders of the town, of course, if you wanted to do that.” Mrs. Allen interrupted her. “Don’t say no now, darling. We’re willing to wait, of course we are.” she promised.

Lena nodded, blinking in surprise. “Will Barry join us for lunch, then?” She asked uncertainly.

“Of course.” Mr. Allen answered. “We want the two of you to know a bit about each other before you give your answer.”

That seemed fair to Lena, though at the same time she was screaming internally to abort this whole mission.

She didn’t want to marry at all if she couldn’t marry Kara. God, where had all this gone wrong? She wasn’t sure. Perhaps she should flee the town in the night like she’d done to National City…. It was a thought that she tabled for now.

“Hi Barry,” Lena bit her lip as she saw Barry appear down at the end of the staircase.

“Hey Lena. How are you?” Barry greeted her.

“I’m good,” Lena managed. “Oh, Mrs. Allen— this looks delicious.” She looked up at the woman gratefully as she passed a plate to Lena.

“I hope it tastes as good as it looks!” Mrs. Allen joked.

“I’m sure it will,” Lena smiled weakly, still thrown off by the sudden proposal.

Barry moved to sit in the seat across from her, reminding her that she had to make small talk with the man of the hour himself. _This should be fun,_ she mused ruefully.

“So Barry, I hear you’re after becoming a doctor..” Lena began, shifting in her seat to face the man. She gave him a small smile, trying to focus on the idea of becoming friends with the man instead of getting to know him for marital reasons. Friends, she could do.

“I am, yes.” Barry replied eagerly. “I’ve always wanted to be able to help people.” he explained. “And Lord knows our town could use more doctors.” he chuckled.

“Hey, why don’t you become a technician instead? Get us some air conditioning.” Lena suggested playfully, a twinkle in her eyes.

Barry laughed easily, shifting in his seat as he began to eat from the plate his mother set out for him. “You have a nice laugh.” Barry told her honestly, blushing lightly as he spoke the compliment.

“Why thank you.” Lena smiled uncertainly, chuckling at his words nonetheless. The chuckle seemed to make it less awkward— he lit up. “I like your dimples,” Lena found herself telling him.

His dimpled smile only broadened at her words. “Thanks, my uh, my mom gave them to me?” Barry said, but it was phrased as more of a shy question. Lena let out a hearty laugh at that, making everyone follow her lead.

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.


	7. Did You See Your Best Friend? (Yes I Know)

Lena could count on one hand and still have fingers left over the amount of times she’d been courted this earnestly. She didn’t absolutely despise it, which surprised her. Lena woke up one morning, sleepy and disoriented, to the sound of her phone going off.

She was too sleepy to remember not to pick up. “‘Ello?” she answered groggily.

“So the prodigal Luthor is alive after all.” Alex Danvers’ snarky voice caused Lena to lunge upwards in panic.

“Alex?” She choked out. “What do you want?”

“It’s not what I want. I still don’t trust you.” Alex informed her over the phone. “But there’s someone else who wants to talk to you. She’s starting to remember, Luthor.” She said steadfastly.

Lena felt dizzy. “What do you mean? Why would she—“ Lena cut herself off. “This isn’t a good idea.” She pleaded with Alex.

“I don’t disagree with you, but Kara isn’t going to just let this go. She saw the briefcase earlier and, holy shit, I’ve never seen her turn that white before.” Alex replied.

“Maybe she just remembers what a piece of shit I am.” Lena retorted brokenly. “Listen Alex, I have things to do. I don’t know if this is a good idea.” she repeated.

Alex let out a puff of air into the phone, causing static for a second, before she answered: “I don’t think it’s a good idea to separate the two of you any longer.”

Lena was taken aback by that answer. “What makes you say that?” Lena bit out. “You were more than willing to separate us before.”

“I’ve been talking to Maggie.” Lena could practically see Alex shrugging. “She seems to think there’s more to the story than I let you say.”

“Perhaps there is.” Lena replied softly. “But it’s— I don’t know what to do here.” She let out a long sigh.

“Just answer some of Kara’s questions, okay? She’s right here.” Alex requested.

Lena blinked in shock, almost dropping her phone in surprise. “Fine,” She quickly agreed. “But I still don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Neither do I, Luthor.” Alex responded before giving the phone to Kara.

“Hello?” God, just hearing Kara’s voice made her want to cry.

“Hey.” Lena managed to respond. “I hear you have some questions for me.”

“Y-yeah.” Kara muttered into the phone. “Actually, hold on. Let me move away from Alex for a sec,” Noises signified she was doing just that before she talked again. “Listen, I remember, okay? A lot more than I think anyone expects.”

Lena breathed out heavily. “What do you want me to do about that?” she asked nervously.

“We need to talk, obviously. We were…. Weren’t we friends? More than that, almost.” Kara responded.

Lena felt her heart constrict. “Almost, yeah.” She agreed with a sigh.

Kara sighed out. “Then come back. I tried to go to L-Corp, but they said you were gone.” she seemed puzzled.

“Yes, I went on…. A vacation. After everything happened.” Lena replied uncertainly.

“Well, vacation’s over. Come home, Lena.” Kara pleaded with her. Lena wanted to. She wanted to so badly. But was that really the right choice?

Lena bit her lip. “I’ll think about it, okay.” she answered. “I can’t just up and leave. I have— stuff here.” she remembered Barry all of a sudden, a sinking feeling in her stomach.

It wasn’t like she loved the man romantically, but she knew that the Allens did want her to marry into their family. She wouldn’t be able to just leave without saying goodbye..

Maybe she could.

Maybe she should.

“Lena?” Kara’s voice brought her back to reality. “We have a lot to talk about, but I remember one thing.”

“What’s that?” Lena answered with trepidation, voice shaking.

“I remember I love you.” Kara replied gently.

Lena almost wept. “I love you too.” She quickly answered, knowing she would spend the rest of her days acknowledging this truth if Kara would let her. “Don’t ever doubt that, okay?”

“Alright. You don’t doubt it either.” Kara assured her.

“I gotta go get ready for the day now.” Lena reluctantly told her, stretching out on the bed. “But I’ll call you in a few hours, let you know if I’m coming home.” She promised.

“I hope you do.” Kara answered. “Call me either way.” she requested.

“I will.” Lena promised. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

They hung up, and Lena stared at her phone for a long moment. She knew what she must do now, after that talk with Kara there was no doubt in her mind she couldn’t marry Barry. But how she would tell the Allens, she wasn’t sure.

Lena stared up at the ceiling and leaned against her bed frame for what seemed like a long time. In reality, it was only a few minutes. Kara wanted her to come home. Kara was starting to remember. Kara wanted her _home._ Lena wasn’t sure if she was elated or gassy, but it was somewhere in that zone.

She jumped, hearing a knock on the door. She wrapped herself up in her robe, moving to answer it. Of course, with her luck, the person on the other side of the door was none other than Barry Allen.

Lena blushed softly, “Hey Barry. What can I do for you?” she asked.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Barry answered. “About the whole — marriage thing.”

“Me too, actually,” Lena murmured. Unfortunately, Barry grinned at her.

“So are we in agreement? We could be good together!” Barry enthused.

Lena hated to do this to him. “No, Barry. I mean— We could be good, but that’s…. It’s not gonna happen.” She gently told him. “I’m sorry. I thought I could do this, but— I can’t.”

Barry’s face fell. Lena continued. “I’m in love with someone else. I came here, so I could forget about her the way she forgot about me— complicated, sorry. But she… she’s remembering. I can’t let her go now. I shouldn’t have done in the first place.” she explained.

Barry slowly nodded, a look of pained understanding on his face. “I see..” Lena couldn’t blame him for the look of disappointment he gave her.

“I’m really sorry, Barry. I tried to give you a chance, but my heart— it wants what it wants, you know?” Lena blinked, placing her hand on his shoulder.

Barry placed his hand over hers, smiling slightly. “I understand,” he told her gently. “You should be happy, Lena.”

“You too, Barry.” She leaned in, kissing his cheek before gently shoving him, playful smile on her face. “Besides, Iris West has given you so many moony looks that if I were the type, I’d have been jealous of her.”

“Iris?” Barry frowned, a curious expression on his face. “I don’t know about that!” he laughed.

“It’s true.” Lena assured him. “Now get out,” she teased him. “I have to get ready to teach my last class. I’m going back to National City.” she said determinedly.


	8. I Can See The Truth So Clear (In Your Eyes)

Jack had understood. Lena had been babbling for about two minutes before he raised his hand, grinning. “You need to go get your girl, Luthor. You’ve been out here for far too long.” He admonished.

Lena bit her lip, smiling. “I hope she agrees to be my girl again, after all this.” After all, it’d been almost two weeks she’d gone off the radar. Three weeks since that fatal crash of Kara’s. It felt somehow way longer than that, though. And when you stopped to consider how long it’d been since Lena had last hugged Kara with no bad blood between them?

It really had been a hot minute.

Between the latest crisis, and then before that, when Lena had been forced to see the truth of Kara’s identity….. Everything had gotten so heavy, so quickly. Lena wasn’t really sure what had kept her standing through it all. Pride, mostly. Stubborn pride.

On the plane ride back to National City, Lena got out that notebook. The same one she’d been writing notes for Kara in. Since the time she first wrote in it, she’d put little details of what she’d been doing, how well the children of the town were progressing… things like that.

Now she had time to write another story. It was a love story. A modern Romeo and Juliet type of story…. A Luthor and A Super, she called it.

Lena’s hand had cramped seven different times while she wrote. Still, she didn’t give up until she’d detailed their entire story, including their fight. “The choice is up to you alone now,” she finished. “Tell me how this story ends.” She signed her name with a heart, and put it in her bag. She’d mail it to Kara once she got off the plane.

At least, that had been the plan. Unfortunately, well meaning plans were often sent awry when involving Kara and Alex Danvers in them.

A black car that Lena recognised all too well as Alex’s greeted her as she stepped out into the sunshine. Lena had about twelve seconds to try and hide, but ended up stopping and staring. Kara was there.

_ Kara _ was leaning against the side of the car. Her face was more welcome than the sun that shone above. Kara’s blonde hair was in an updo that left only a few strands in her face, which meant when Kara noticed the staring, she’d be able to spot Lena in seconds. She always managed to find Lena in a crowd — Lena didn’t see why this time would be any different.

“Luthor.” Alex greeted her sharply as Lena began to make her way over to the two. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“What are you doing here?” Lena asked. “I didn’t tell you I was coming home.” Confusion glittered like diamonds in her eyes.

“I hoped you would.” Kara spoke up softly, causing Lena to look at her. “I’ve been making Alex stay with me here for an hour or so every day.” she confessed, tugging on her hair nervously. Lena noted it must have been a new nervous tic Kara had picked up since she’d been gone.

“Get in the car, Luthor. We can talk about this somewhere other than the airport.” Alex suggested curtly, cutting off whatever Lena was about to say.

“No thank you.” Lena took out the notebook. “But Kara, darling, this is for you.” She handed it to Kara, her hands shaking as fingers touched Kara’s skin. “You contact me once you read it, okay?”

“It wasn’t really an option, Lena….” Alex frowned.

“Unless you physically plan to drag me into the car, I’m not going to do this. I’ve had a long flight. And I said what I need to say in that notebook, so please Alex just— Let me go.” Lena rubbed her temple.

Kara sighed, “I’ll read fast. See you later, Lena.” She gave a quick movement, as if she meant to hug her, but Lena sidestepped away. Ignoring the hurt in Kara’s eyes, Lena went to call for a cab.

“Come on Kara.” Alex sighed, wrapping an arm around her sister. “We’ll get you home and into some warm clothes, cocoa?” she suggested in a kind voice.

“Nah. I just want to read this.” Kara replied quietly as she let herself be led into the car.

“OK. Sounds good.” Alex accepted that.

Lena walked quickly away, wanting to get away. Once in the cab, she gave the instructions for the same house which she’d been staying when all of this started: The Luthor Mansion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end!!!


	9. Interlude (Part Two)

_My dearest Kara,_ the notebook started off.__

_ _ _ In this letter, you’ll find the story of us. I used to know my place— it was the place next to you. But then everything went to shit. I’m sorry— I know you don’t remember everything. But you were keeping this huge secret from me, about being Supergirl. And then my brother told me the truth. It was…. A mess. I killed my brother after that. And then I shut you out, for months, and months._ _ _

_ _ _But you came by my place at every opportunity, although you didn’t push for me to understand where you were coming from. You mostly just kept me safe…_ _ _

_ _ _I didn’t want to believe that the only people I trusted, really trusted, in my entire life had betrayed me. At least, that’s what I thought it was : A betrayal. I’m sorry I saw it that way. Maybe if I hadn’t, then we wouldn’t be here._ _ _

_ _ _Anyway, I finally let you come in one day. And we talked… a lot. But it turned out I was keeping something from you as well. Synthesized Kryptonite, which I’m sure your sister has told you about. You fell and hit your head because you were trying to get away from me, you were so angry._ _ _

_ _ _Kara, I’d never seen you that angry with me. It scared me, but it also got me to realise… I’d gone too far. So I just kind of disappeared. I went on a trip to this real small town called Midvale in South Africa. I didn’t pick the name, but I guess fate has a funny way of surprising us. It’s near the sea known as Kara too. _ _ _

_ _ _I met this man on the way there. He’s wonderful. His name is Jack Spheer. He brought me to Midvale and kept me sane, basically. I owe him a lot. I would have wallowed there forever and never answered any of Alex’s calls…. We might never have spoken again._ _ _

_ _ _And I don’t know if I am able to tell you how much that thought scares me. It truly terrifies me, the thought of losing you forever, even though I was doing my best to avoid you for nearly a month. Funny how that worked, right?_ _ _

_ _ _Anyway… I just had to let you know the story of us is up to you now. Whatever we were, doesn’t have to matter unless you want it to. But I liked it better when I was on your side._ _ _

_ _ _Yours, always,  
Lena Kieran Luthor _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter. Thanks for reading. <3


	10. I'd Rather Love (Than Fight)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this dumpster fire. <3

Lena awoke to the sound of the doorbell ringing the next day. She groaned, putting her head under the pillow. It was too early. But the ringing didn’t stop. Lena reluctantly got out of bed, shuffling into her housecoat and house shoes. Then she walked down the stairs, avoiding the kitchen as she went to answer the door.

What she didn’t expect to see was Kara. “Kara?” Lena bit her lip, ushering the superhero inside even knowing that she wouldn’t be cold. Couldn’t be cold. Lena’s heart sped up as she realised that Kara was clutching the notebook.

“It seemed that reading everything you wrote… well, it did the job. I remember.” Kara explained. “And I had to see you.” She bit her lip, looking down as she took off her wet, soggy shoes. Lena smiled slightly at the sight. Surely that meant Kara was at least planning to stay for a minute to let her shoes dry?

“I… I’m glad you remember. But what do you remember about me?” Lena asked uncertainly. “About where we… left off.” She was approaching this bomb delicately this time. Alex would not have to be the one to kill her should she set off another Kara explosion.

Kara took a step closer to her. “We both made mistakes.” She replied. “And we both were trying to do better, right?”

“I mean, yeah. Boils down to about that.” Lena nodded. Her heart stopped as she felt Kara come even closer. She could now feel the breaths of air that Kara exhaled against her lips.

“I also remember something about love. We never did finish _ that _ conversation.” Kara whispered.

“No, uh, yeah. You’re right. We didn’t.” Lena was mesmerized by the look in Kara’s eyes.

“So I was thinking we should… talk about it.” Kara murmured, her breath still coming in hot pants against Lena’s lips. They weren’t kissing, but it was a close thing.

Fuck it. Lena leaned forward, lunging her arms around Kara’s neck and kissed her hard. _ Talking could wait, _ the raven haired woman thought as she kissed her best friend for the first time. It felt beautiful, like coming home.__

_ _Finally, after what felt like minutes of bliss, they pulled away, both breathing heavily. Kara’s head rested on top of Lena’s, and Lena could _feel_ the smile on her face. “I love you.” Kara mumbled into her hair.___ _

_ _ _ _“I love you too.” Lena promised, letting her arms fall down to Kara’s sides, hugging her tightly. “I always have, and I always will. I think that’s why I was so _ mad _ at you.” she confessed._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“It’s why I wouldn’t tell you who I was. I thought… well, I thought if you knew you wouldn’t love Kara. You already had an iffy relationship with Supergirl. I wasn’t willing to risk losing you as Kara, too.” Kara explained._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Lena cupped Kara’s cheek. “You’ll never lose me again, for as long as that’s what you want. For as long as I’m what you want.” she vowed._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Kara pulled back, giving Lena a crooked smile. “Better find some rocking chairs then, Lee. We’ll need them in about forty years.”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“I like the idea of that.” Lena told her with a broad smile._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Me too.”_ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you enjoyed this fic please sponsor my brand of bullshitting my way through my twenties writing fanfic!
> 
> aka.....
> 
> _ [ get access to new stuff here! ](https://www.patreon.com/embracedself) _

**Author's Note:**

> Hey. It's ya girl again. Uh, this time I'm going to try and finish my multichapter fic (aka this one) for once. I've not written multichaptered SuperCorp before, so be gentle with me if you find inconsistencies please. Also, comments fuel me. I've written a few chapters already for this but I'd love to have some feedback nonetheless. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it! <3
> 
> ~Be Prepared For The Angst~
> 
> \---Missy xo


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